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[13 Mar 2011|03:21pm] |
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"You can neither win nor lose if you don't run the race." David Bowie
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| in loving memory of... |
[06 May 2009|05:35pm] |
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Ten years ago today I was sitting in an emergency room awaiting the news that one of my best friends didn't make it. My wounds didn't matter; I couldn't feel them anyway. I couldn't feel anything, not the cut across my forehead or the broken wrist. In that moment all I could care about was the fact that he was gone. It was the most heart-dropping feeling I've ever experienced to listen to the doctor tell a mother, father and teenage sister that their twenty year old son didn't survive the crash. The rest of us were fine, a little black and blue, but we were breathing. Mom broke down. His dad tried to comfort her while holding back his own break down and the little girl? She just sat there in silence while tears continuously fell down her cheeks. I'll never forget that moment. I remember trying to be strong for their family. I didn't cry, hell I hardly showed any emotion once so ever. It was easier that way; they were falling apart on their own they didn't need his best friend to collapse with them.
We'd all been hanging out going from party to party. He was the designated driver for the evening since he didn't want to drink too heavily. He had a huge test the next day and though he wanted to go out, getting obliterated was out of the question. We went through two parties before heading back out. We were loud and obnoxious in the background which I always felt guilty about - I thought it was my fault, we were distracting him from paying attention to the road. If we hadn't been so drunk or so rowdy maybe the accident would have never happened. That's an awful amount of guilt to carry around for so many years. I miss him. I doubt I'll ever stop missing him. He was one of those people that you just wanted to have around.
I stored so much anger and pain away from my grandfather passing away and then losing him on top of that only made it more intense. It's kind of weird. I feel like I'm a fairly emotional person, but there's certain things I won't react to. Death is one of those things, for some reason I'm not really in tune with the emotion you have with someone's passing. It feels heartless, but it's not that I'm not hurt by it I just don't know how to express any emotion through the process of mourning. I guess everyone definitely deals with it in their own way, but I'm not necessarily sure I've dealt with it at all.
I go through these phases of being uncomfortable with being touched, and days like today are examples of that. Which is possibly why I've spent most of my time in my office gathering my work for next week with some attempt at being organized. It hasn't been easy since I'm really unfocused. I keep thinking about ten years ago... the guy I was compared to who I am right now. It's almost shocking that I can think about ten years ago and still have been an adult. A naive, immature and clueless adult, but numbers wise an adult still. Thirty is quite the turning point. I'm no longer in my twenties trying to find myself, I have a pretty good grasp on who I am and have been pretty successful in that respect. There's so much more to learn and the goal is to be prepared by the time I'm forty for the age of forty. I doubt it'll happen, but I have ten years to get it right.
If I could predict the future I'd probably tell you that it'll only get worse before it gets better. That could be broad for everyone else, but specifically for me I know that's how it's going to pan out. It's time for something monumental and/or life changing to happen. It should be interesting at the very least... or scary as hell. Who knows.
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